ROB GEE

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  “The kind of performer you pray you’ll discover!” Orlando Sentinel

Commissions

Environmental Horror Poem

(Written during a conference for Groundwork. Based on a scare headline ‘Low energy light bulbs can trigger epilepsy’, which was referred to by one of the keynote speakers)

... A kick in the backside from Charlie Chaplin,
Late night and live with lots of swearing.
It’s Norman Wisdom falling over himself,
Just like that Tommy Cooper.
It’s the rude word that wins the game of scrabble,
When your in-laws all come over.
It’s doing a wheelie in a wheelie bin.
It’s a workman with a hole you can park your bike in.
It’s cartoons, postcards and Carry On.
It’s the pompous man with power,
Who you somehow feel sorry for
when everything goes wrong,
So don’t panic Mr Mannering,
‘Cause every bodily function you care to mention
Is a cornerstone in the heritage of the culture of our nation;
And when your stomach hurts with mirth
But it’s impossible to stop,
It’s doing a crazy tango on the bouncy castle of love.
It’s laughter in a teardrop.
It’s a shameless celebration of the human condition,
That can only be a plus,
And we shouldn’t take ourselves too seriously,
Because there’s comedy in all of us.

(Commissioned for Leicester Comedy Festival)

Comedy Is ...

Low energy light bulbs can trigger epilepsy.
It was in the Mail so it’s true.
Those light bulbs can give you epilepsy,
and sometimes migraines too.

Solar panelling turns your skin orange,
and makes your home look good to burglers.
Biomass boilers are bad for your blood pressure,
and solid wall insulation gives your grandma’s dog cancer.

Clip on smart meters give you piles,
and cycling gives you asthma.
Co2 calculators make your feet fall off at the knees.
Your hair falls out and your eyeballs bleed;
and grasping at the shoots of optimism
makes you more prone to depression,
so don’t think about the outside world,
or you’ll go into a spasm;
(in fact living things in your garden
will do strange things to your ectoplasm.)

Mobilising your community
will bring you out in a nasty rash.
Community events affect your frontal lobe and memory.
You’ll do involuntary back flips and swear uncontrollably.

Bringing people together
through existing behaviour
in the pub, school and church
can be bad for circulation,
so you don’t want to do it much.

Giving up plastic bags
will make your sweat smell of cheese;
carbon offsetting makes you sterile,
and recycling gives you herpes.

Draught free doorways make your make your teeth fall out,
and if those Little Footprint initiatives
had the faintest idea what they were supposed to be about,
they’d stop working with local schools
and developing renewables,
‘cause being a model of sustainability
plays havoc with your gout.

Educating people makes your brain cells die,
and targets make you fail;
and failure makes you cry.

Organic food gives you warts,
even if it does cut down on your use of transport,
it still looks funny,
so don’t listen to your local-vores.
Oh, and saving money makes you poor.

Being a climate change hero makes you susceptible to drama,
and trying to reach new audiences
damages your karma.
The secret of happiness is G.D.P.,
‘cause fossil fuels are cheap
and fossil fuels are funky;
and If the U.S. president is intelligent,
he’ll see that burying your head in sand
helps you breathe more easily.

The Carbon Army are dangerous and wrong,
and War on Waste is a terrorist cell.
Falconers Hill Infant School must be stopped!
Because thinking about the future
is dangerous for your health.

EXERCISE POEM

(Written during the Stay Healthy conference for older people, Nottingham)

If life has stripped you bare of all your wheels and spanners
And kicked the living daylights out of your happy ever afters;
If your lungs creak in you sleep
And wake up before you in the morning;
It might be that exercise isn't what you do,
But there'll be a way of keeping fit
That's tailor made for you.

You can exercise in your chair
With arms and legs and wrists.
In fact it’s so easy you can do it at the dentist’s.

You can exercise your lungs
By shouting at the telly.
You can exercise your diaphragm
By dancing with your belly.

You can exercise your finances
By applying for pension credit.
You can cut down on your council tax
And fatten up your wallet.

And when you’re in the supermarket
You can exercise your eyeballs,
By having a good close look
At what’s written on the labels;
And if there’s lots of salt and sugar
In your lovely pre-packed snack,
You can exercise your freedom
And put the bugger back.

You can exercise your mind
By arguing all the time
With as many people as possible,
Especially if you’re right.

You can exercise your muscles
And swing your grandchildren round,
And then exercise your assertive skills
By refusing to put them down.

You can exercise your cardiovascular system
By walking from time to time,
And you can exercise your smile
By sitting in the sunshine.

You can exercise our endorphins
By laughing once a week,
And you can exercise your heartbeat
Just by dancing cheek to cheek.

THE LUGE – A TONGUE TWISTER

Gravity and adrenalin merge so effortlessly
With tight fitting lycra
and a penchant for pain.
I’ve got my mask,
and if I can get through the next ten seconds without managing to crack
the cranium covering the thrill chasing fluid flowing through my brain,
I’ll be really really pleased
then I’ll do it again.

Written and performed in two minutes on Radio Leicester, based on a subject suggested by listeners.