ROB GEE

I need you
like a third world child needs an AK47,
like a Satanist needs heaven,
like an inner city gangster needs a caravan in Devon.

I need you
like a motorway needs fog,
like a blind person needs an incontinent dog.

I need you
like Three Blind Mice need a mouser,
like an unlocked door needs the attention of a Scouser,
like a kangaroo court needs Henry Fonda.
I need you
like Simon Cowell really needs to live any longer.

I need you
like a deep fried Mars Bar needs a bit more fat,
like a fish needs a slap,
like the last train home needs another twat.

I need you
like page one of The Sun
needs another pun,
like a holocaust memorial service needs to be more fun,
like a human statue needs an itchy bum,
like Norman Bates needed his mum.

I need you
like a prostate needs a finger,
like death metal needs a singer,
like the victim of bullying needed to be ginger.

I need you
like a Barbie doll needs a hidden spike,
like an excitable toddler needs more Sunny Delight,
like a comedian needs embarrassed silence,
like Mahatma Gandhi needed violence.

I need you
like a widow needs a debt collector,
like a dog needs a naughty boy with a firecracker.
like Scooby Do needed Scrappy,
I need you like a Goth needs to be happy.

I need you
like a dead cat needs a vet,
like Nazis need respect,
like a drunk needs his car keys,
like a survivor needs regret;
I need you like a graduate needs a debt round their neck;
like an octopus needs a straight jacket,
like when you light a firework,
you need to go back and double check.
I need you like Linda Lovelace needed a gag reflex.

I need you
like a phobic needs the fear.
I don't need you at all.
I'm just delighted that you're here.

By Rob Gee