(Written during Groundwork conference. Based on a scare headline ‘Low energy light bulbs can trigger epilepsy’, which was referred to by one of the keynote speakers)

    Low energy light bulbs can trigger epilepsy.
    It was in the Mail so it’s true.
    Those light bulbs can give you epilepsy,
    and sometimes migraines too.

    Solar panelling turns your skin orange,
    and makes your home look good to burglers.
    Biomass boilers are bad for your blood pressure,
    and solid wall insulation gives your grandma’s dog cancer.
    Clip on smart meters give you piles,
    and cycling gives you asthma.

    Co2 calculators make your feet fall off at the knees.
    Your hair falls out and your eyeballs bleed;
    and grasping at the shoots of optimism
    makes you more prone to depression,
    so don’t think about the outside world,
    or you’ll go into a spasm;
    (in fact living things in your garden
    will do strange things to your ectoplasm.)

    Mobilising your community
    will bring you out in a nasty rash.
    Community events affect your frontal lobe and memory.
    You’ll do involuntary back flips and swear uncontrollably.

    Bringing people together
    through existing behaviour
    in the pub, school and church
    can be bad for circulation,
    so you don’t want to do it much.

    Giving up plastic bags
    will make your sweat smell of cheese;
    carbon offsetting makes you sterile,
    and recycling gives you herpes.

    Draught free doorways make your make your teeth fall out,
    and if those Little Footprint initiatives
    had the faintest idea what they were supposed to be about,
    they’d stop working with local schools
    and developing renewables,
    ‘cause being a model of sustainability
    plays havoc with your gout.

    Educating people makes your brain cells die,
    and targets make you fail;
    and failure makes you cry.

    Organic food gives you warts,
    even if it does cut down on your use of transport,
    it still looks funny,
    so don’t listen to your local-vores.
    Oh, and saving money makes you poor.

    Being a climate change hero makes you susceptible to drama
    and trying to reach new audiences
    damages your karma.

    The secret of happiness is G.D.P.,
    ‘cause fossil fuels are cheap
    and fossil fuels are funky;
    and If the U.S. president is intelligent,
    he’ll see that burying your head in sand
    helps you breathe more easily.

    The Carbon Army are dangerous and wrong,
    and War on Waste is a terrorist cell.
    Falconers Hill Infant School must be stopped!
    Because thinking about the future
    is dangerous for your health.

    By Rob Gee