The reason I love horror movies so much is this: all the best ones take the piss.
They’re more about stupidity than anything scary.
Take, for example, you’re average zombies, who aren’t so much a source of fright; more like Derby on a Friday night.
You’ve got folk descending into cellars and never coming back,
Sigourney Weaver escaping the alien, and then going back for the cat;
Privileged high school kids
oblivious to danger that surrounds them, behaving in a manner that’s completely stupid, and then ending up cold and dead,
which is just the way I like them.
You see nothing that Stephen King or Rob Zombie could devise is half as horrible as the horror that happens all the time,
both in the wider world and the weird workings of your mind. Horror is waking up every morning
and dragging your carcass to a job you don’t like,
and then counting the folds as your body grows old. It’s bad sex, crap drugs and an absence of rock ‘n’ roll.
It’s the destruction of the universe,
with only Trump Tower surviving.
It’s going through puberty stark naked, with all your friends and family watching.
It’s endless repeats of Rocky 5.
It’s eating English food every day of your life.
Horror’s your sense of dignity slowly crawling behind you on the floor. It’s the suspicious flecks of blood in your urine,
just when you think you’ve scored.
Horror is all the people who shaft the world for cash.
It’s growing pubic hairs out your ears, nose and back. Horror’s doing freestyle ... when you don’t know what to say. It’s the standard of dentistry in the UK.
Horror is when your surgeon cuts you open
and calls off the operation,
says it’s way too late for that
and sends you home to die. Horror’s when you’re full of grief, but you’ve forgotten how to cry.
Horror’s the heart of lead that doesn’t float your boat Horror is the cat burglar whole stole your cat
and posted you a very small fur coat.
So from Freddie Kruger to Dracula, from Linda Blair and Louis Cipher, Dr Frankenstein to Dr Faust, Norman Bates and his mother; Grandpa ,Ghostface and the Birds, The Phantom of the Opera; Stuntman Mike,
Jekyll and Hyde,
some random geezer with a sythe; From Chuckie to Carrie to Dr Caligari, the cast of Freaks
and Rosemary’s Baby,
Jason, Jaws and Nosferatu,
Little House on the Prairie;
the Ghoul, the Mummy and the Thing, and Mike Myers from Halloween;
all of them love to take the piss, because none are quite as scary
as your average Scientologist.
Horror movies are the thing we want to scare us most
made soft and palatable,
with a touch of supernatural,
to give it a bit of distance
so it doesn’t get too real,
because reality is terrifying enough as it is,
which is why all the best horror films love to take the piss.